Do you remember the last time you fought with someone? Be it
with friend, family, or significant other, conflict can be all sorts of
uncomfortable. The most common thought regarding conflict is that it happens
because someone did wrong to someone else. However, more often than not,
conflict is caused simply by a difference of personality. Take this, for
example.
I tend to be an incredibly cautious person. As a result,
part of my everyday functioning has involved getting tasks done as quickly as
possible. Primarily, the relief of being able to check something off my list as
completed keeps me motivated moving forward. However, I have come to realize
that doing things early also has another benefit: it allows for enough time to
go back and correct mistakes.
My husband, in contrast, lives in the moment. He prioritizes
his tasks based on importance and urgency. His schedule is fluid and his task
list comprises whatever is most pressing. This enables him to be creative,
fosters his ingenuity, and makes him a very flexible person. He focuses on whatever
task is right in front of him.
This distinction in our personalities affects how we handle
everyday life decisions like paying bills and grocery shopping. In our most
recent disagreement, we had differing views on the time and manner in which a
bill should be paid. An argument arose. Here is the framework: I am in charge of
paying our bills. Our bill cannot be paid online, but only through snail mail
or in person at the city hall. For varying reasons, we have decided mailing it
is a waste of resources and time. I work during the office hours 40 minutes
away from where we live. The City Hall is a two minute drive (ten minute bike)
from either our apartment or my husband’s school. My husband has agreed to pay
the bill. I wanted it paid the day it arrived. There were two weeks until the
due date.
1. Avoid the topic entirely—I would have left
Walker alone to do what he wished. In some conflicts, this is beneficial,
because some things aren’t worth creating an argument over. I tend to avoid
conflict whenever possible. However, this can be detrimental if I were to avoid
the argument but clench my teeth and harbor resentment every day I came home to
find the unpaid bill still on the table. Avoidance was not an option for me in
this case.
2. Accomodating refers to one party “giving in” or
giving up their wish for the benefit of the other. In the illustration, it
would mean I give in and allow my husband to wait to pay the bill on the due
date, or he gives in to my wish and pays it immediately.
3. Competing is often described as a “win-lose”
situation. It would mean that I go to him and demand he do what I ask. (This is
the absolute worst way to approach conflict with my husband in particular,
because he will dig his heels in and do what he wants regardless.) Competing
would also mean that as soon as I mention my point of view, my husband crushes
my opposing view by shutting down discussion entirely.
4. Compromising is usually considered a “lose-lose”
situation. An example in this scenario might be that my husband agrees to cut
time out of his hectic day to pay the bill a week before it is due, but not the
day that I asked him. Neither of us are thrilled about the outcome, but we both
get a little and lose a little.
5. Collaborating is the last and most harmonious of
conflict-resolution styles, often considered a “win-win” for the people who are
involved. It requires a huge amount of effort, humility, and sometimes time in
order to come up with an effective and satisfactory solution. In our situation,
it might look like a refining of expectations to achieve the goal. I would give
the bill to my husband, asking for it to be paid within 7 days of the day I
give it to him. He would then assess his schedule and determine for himself the
best and most convenient time he could go.
Ultimately, we came to a collaborative conclusion. I withdrew
my demands that it be paid immediately, being more sensitive to his priorities.
He, out of care for my convictions, found time the next day to pay the bill.
My husband and I aren’t perfect, nor are we free of
troubles, petty (as this example) or otherwise. We have chosen, however, (and
have to continually choose every day) to respect one another in conflict and to
always do our best to put each other’s interests above our own. Our conflict is
distinctly productive and constructive rather than destructive. And for me, the
harmony of decisive love that comes after the conflict is the best feeling in
the world.
“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain
conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the
interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same
mindset as Christ Jesus.” Philippians 2:3-5